Голод
Part IV
IhadbeenundisturbeduptheresincethefirsteveningwhenIhadmoneyandwasabletosettleforwhatIgot.AllthetimeIwasbuoyedupbythehopeofatlastsucceedingingettingtogetheranarticleonsomesubjectoranother,sothatIcouldpayformyroom,andforwhateverelseIowed.ThatwasthereasonIworkedonsopersistently.Ihad,inparticular,commencedapiecefromwhichIexpectedgreatthings—anallegoryaboutafire—aprofoundthoughtuponwhichIintendedtoexpendallmyenergy,andbringittothe"Commandor"inpayment.The"Commandor"shouldseethathehadhelpedatalentthistime.Ihadnodoubtbutthathewouldeventuallyseethat;itonlywasamatterofwaitingtillthespiritmovedme;andwhyshouldn’tthespiritmoveme?Whyshoulditnotcomeovermeevennow,ataveryearlydate?Therewasnolongeranythingthematterwithme.Mylandladygavemealittlefoodeveryday,somebreadandbutter,morningsandevenings,andmynervousnesshadalmostflown.InolongerusedclothsroundmyhandswhenIwrote;andIcouldstaredownintothestreetfrommywindowonthesecondfloorwithoutgettinggiddy.Iwasmuchbetterineveryway,anditwasbecomingamatterofastonishmenttomethatIhadnotalreadyfinishedmyallegory.Icouldn’tunderstandwhyitwas....
ButadaycamewhenIwasatlasttogetaclearideaofhowweakIhadreallybecome;withwhatincapacitymydullbrainacted.Namely,onthisdaymylandladycameuptomewithareckoningwhichsheaskedmetolookover.
