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Chapter 35

           Iunderstandthereissomevaguelawinexistenceaboutplacinganinterdictiononcertainbooksconsideredinjurioustopublicmorals—ifthereissucharule,ithasbeencuriouslylaxconcerningtheauthorof‘Anactoria’—who,byvirtueofbeingapoet,passesunquestionedintomanyahome,carryingimpuresuggestionintomindsthatwereoncecleanlyandsimple.Asforme,afterIhadstudiedhisversetomyheart’scontent,nothingremainedsacred—Ijudgedmenasbeastsandwomenaslittlebetter—Ihadnobeliefinhonour,virtueortruth—andIwasabsolutelyindifferenttoallthingssaveone,andthatwasmyresolvetohavemyownwayasfaraslovewasconcerned.Imightbeforcedtomarrywithoutloveforpurelymoney-considerations—butallthesame,loveIwouldhave,orwhatIcalledlove;—notan‘ideal’passionbyanymeans,butpreciselywhatMrSwinburneandafewofthemost-praisednovelistsofthedayhadtaughtmetoconsideraslove.IbegantowonderwhenandhowIshouldmeetmylover—suchthoughtsasIhadatthistimeindeedwouldhavemademoralistsstareanduplifttheirhandsinhorror—buttotheexteriorworldIwastheverypinkandpatternofmaidenlydecorum,reserveandpride.Mendesired,butfearedme;forInevergavethemanyencouragement,seeingasyetnoneamongthemwhomIdeemedworthyofsuchloveasIcouldgive.

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