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Chapter 35

           YetIknowshewillbeCountessofEltonassoonasitisdecentlypossible—say,aftertheyear’sceremoniousmourningformymotherhasexpired,andperhapsthreemonths’hypocriticalwearingofblackforme—myfatherbelieveshimselftobestillyoungandpassablygood-looking,andheisquiteincapableofresistingthefortuneshewillbringhim.WhenshetookupherfixedabodeinourhouseandAuntCharlottebecameherpaidchaperône,Iseldomwentouttoanysocialgatherings,forIcouldnotenduretheideaofbeingseeninhercompanionship.Ikepttomyownroomagreatdeal,andthussecluded,readmanybooks.Allthefashionablefictionofthedaypassedthroughmyhands,muchtomygradualenlightenment,ifnottomyedification.Oneday—adaythatisstampedonmymemoryasakindofturning-pointinmylife—IreadanovelbyawomanwhichIdidnotatfirstentirelyunderstand—butongoingoversomeofitspassagesasecondtime,allatonceitshorriblelasciviousnessflasheduponme,andfilledmewithsuchgenuinedisgustthatIflungitonthegroundinafitofloathingandcontempt.YetIhadseenitpraisedinalltheleadingjournalsoftheday;itsobscenitieswerehintedatas‘daring,’—itsvulgaritieswerequotedas‘brilliantwit,’—infactsomanylaudatorycolumnswerewrittenaboutitinthepressthatIresolvedtoreaditagain.Encouragedbythe‘literarycensors’ofthetime,Ididso,andlittlebylittletheinsidiousabominationofitfilteredintomymindandstayedthere.

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