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Chapter 26

           myGod!—anirrepressiblecryescapedmeasmythoughtswentonandoninthenever-endingcircleandproblemofincurable,unspeakabledespair—andIthrewmyselfdownonashelvingbankofgrassthatslopedtowardsthelakeandcoveredmyfaceinaparoxysmoftearlessagony.

           Stillinexorablethoughtworkedinmybrain,andforcedmetoconsidermyposition.Wasshe—wasSibyl—moretoblamethanImyselfforallthestrangehavocwrought?Ihadmarriedherofmyownfreewillandchoice—andshehadtoldmebeforehand—"Iamacontaminatedcreature,trainedtoperfectioninthelaxmoralsandprurientliteratureofmyday."Well—andsoithadproved!MyownbloodburnedwithshameasIreflectedhowampleandconvincingweretheproofs!—and,startingupfrommyrecumbentpostureIpacedupanddownagainrestlesslyinafeverofself-contemptanddisgust.WhatcouldIdowithawomansuchasshetowhomIwasnowboundforlife?Reformher?Shewouldlaughmetoscornfortheattempt.Reformmyself?Shewouldsneeratmeforaneffeminatemilksop.Besides,wasnotIaswillingtobedegradedasshewastodegrademe?—averyvictimtomybrutepassions?TorturedandmaddenedbymyfeelingsIroamedaboutwildly,andstartedasifapistol-shothadbeenfirednearmewhentheplashofoarssoundedonthesilenceandthekeelofasmallboatgratedontheshore,theboatmanwithinitrespectfullybeggingmeinmellifluousFrenchtoemployhimforanhour.

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